Purity. Beauty. Love.

The tear rolled gently down my cheek as I lay on the couch, listening to Vladimir Martynov’s The Beatitudes played by the Kronos Quartet. The beauty and purity of the song was just too much for the loss I was feeling.

2 weeks before, just after finishing and sending my multitrack cello album off to cdbaby, by coincidence (is anything ever really a coincidence, though?), I learned the truth about a revered teacher, and it shook me to my core.

Suddenly I was questioning everything, including my purpose on this earth. This was a karmic bomb unlike any before. Deep, painful emotions brought me to the ground, sobbing.

My faith in the universe fell, and I felt empty inside. My aspirations vanished.

But as the tear collected at my collar bone, the music reminded me that I still had a deep yearning for 3 things:

Purity. beauty, and love. That is what I heard coming through the music, and I felt so so far away from it.

Am I asking too much? Am I too idealistic? Do I need to just grow up and realize that this is just how the world works, that human nature is what it is, even where you would expect more? The deepest disappointment still weighs down my heart, so accustomed to soaring with hope and faith (that I see now should have been a little less blind).

But this deep disappointment is a doorway to a vast unknown inside of me. And I’m not sure what I’ll find inside this time.

You see, it’s a recurring pattern in my life to be brought face to face with the door of my heart. The first time was when my cello teacher, Paul Katz, told me that I had to look into my heart and follow where it led. I opened my heart a crack, found enough hope to keep me going, and here I am today as a cellist.

The second time was when I had to take a look at my life (I was 29, going through my Saturn return), and found Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramhansa Yogananda. The book spoke directly to my heart and changed my life. I took the plunge and became a spiritual seeker.

And now I am being asked to venture more deeply, to find a stronger connection with the Divine not outside of myself, but within. And finally, to make peace with the feelings and emotional energy that I’ve stuffed away inside of me, too afraid to face it. This is the next stage of my growth. I know this.

And so I embark on a true hero’s journey into the unknown. I will be changed. I already am.

Perhaps I will be able to find what I’m looking for. And then be able to share it with you, through music and words, more dynamically filled with truth.

May you find what you are seeking this holiday season.